Hello Friends & Family!
I just wanted to let you know that I have set up a blog for Elder Trevor Stevens to track his progress, share his letters and showcase his pictures while he's away on his mission to Veracruz, Mexico. As we receive updates, I will post them there as well as his Facebook account.
Please feel free to comment if you have any questions and I will get back to you.
Here is the link for his blog:
www.elderstevens4veracruz.com
I have also added a link to it on the right hand of the screen for easy access.
Thanks!
~Brooke
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Time heals...but bring on the diversions anyway
Well, after almost an official week, I should note that I am fairing much better after a few days than I was last wednesday.
It has been hard. I won't lie about that, but for a majority of the time, I do relatively well. It's those times of the day that we used to hang out the most that really get to me. It's like being addicted to a drug. You need the fix. You NEED that person. There's an underlaying hum, an emptiness, that I feel as I drive up to the house after work. How many nights had we gone to sushi and a movie? How many nights, when working late, had I gotten text messages from him wondering "where u is?"...
I miss him....but I am surviving.
As a fix I am trying to fill up my free time as much as possible to fill the void. I signed up for a few community classes; things I have wanted to do or learn about for some time. This week I start my Belly Dancing classes on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I have always been amazed at how Shakira drops her hips in her music videos. I realize that it is just a trick of the eye, but it looks really cool. Next week, I will start a Digital Photography class. I am really looking forward to this class, because I have often admired the photos that friends and relatives have taken and wanted to understand and know more about how they do it. So those are the two community classes that I am taking for now. It was a hard choice, there were so many to choose from that I wouldn't have minded taking.
In addition, I am considering taking Pole classes. These are classes that help you strengthen your core muscles and overall fitness. I have already been to one of the classes, and really liked it, but these classes are the same nights as my new community classes, so I am going to have to see if it is even possible to cram this one in. I would really like to though. Another thing that makes choosing to take this class would be that it would mean I would no longer be able to go to movie night. It is nice to get together once a week to watch movies with my friends and play guitar hero. So this is still very much up in the air.
On top of all these new found activities, I still have my unfinished activities that I am going to diligently try to get completed. Some of these are: Finish my afghan, finish the movie I am making for my grandfather, clean my room, finish the three books I have begun reading and haven't finished, etc.
Not to mention that I am planning on moving out shortly. Where, I am not yet sure.
And if those weren't enough diversions, what list would be complete with out that "certain somebody"? I recently met someone that I find very interesting, but at the same time I am completely intimidated. Have you ever met someone that is just WAY out of your league? That even if you COULD date them, you don't know if you WOULD? There is a great fear of being a stepping stone until something better comes along, with someone that is too pretty or too handsome. And while I don't know much about this person, he's definitely a distraction I could get used to. Plus...I still carry that torch for someone else. I am not sure what to do with those feelings. I can't tell if the feeling is mutual with that person or not. Somedays I would say yes his are, but others I would say no his aren't. We don't communicate much just the two of us, but I wish I could convey to this person, that despite what he may think, I like him just as he is. But for now, I guess it is just my lot to carry them and try to figure out what to do with them later...unless he finally clues in.
I guess this is on my mind a lot today because yesterday we were taught by the Bishop. He discussed the Of Souls, Sacraments and Symbols talk given by Elder Holland. His question was to all of us "why are you here?". His meaning was all too clear: why are you still in the singles ward? and I couldn't help throw a mental "again" in there. Fear is a great tool for the adversary and I am sad to say that I am scared. I am scared to death that I could get hurt all over again. I am scared that no matter what I do, I won't be good enough. I just rebuilt the confidence that I have, am I ready to risk having someone tear it down? And is thinking about it more damaging than actually just going for it, because I am more invested in it with considerable thought?
Interesting things to ponder in my free time...
It has been hard. I won't lie about that, but for a majority of the time, I do relatively well. It's those times of the day that we used to hang out the most that really get to me. It's like being addicted to a drug. You need the fix. You NEED that person. There's an underlaying hum, an emptiness, that I feel as I drive up to the house after work. How many nights had we gone to sushi and a movie? How many nights, when working late, had I gotten text messages from him wondering "where u is?"...
I miss him....but I am surviving.
As a fix I am trying to fill up my free time as much as possible to fill the void. I signed up for a few community classes; things I have wanted to do or learn about for some time. This week I start my Belly Dancing classes on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I have always been amazed at how Shakira drops her hips in her music videos. I realize that it is just a trick of the eye, but it looks really cool. Next week, I will start a Digital Photography class. I am really looking forward to this class, because I have often admired the photos that friends and relatives have taken and wanted to understand and know more about how they do it. So those are the two community classes that I am taking for now. It was a hard choice, there were so many to choose from that I wouldn't have minded taking.
In addition, I am considering taking Pole classes. These are classes that help you strengthen your core muscles and overall fitness. I have already been to one of the classes, and really liked it, but these classes are the same nights as my new community classes, so I am going to have to see if it is even possible to cram this one in. I would really like to though. Another thing that makes choosing to take this class would be that it would mean I would no longer be able to go to movie night. It is nice to get together once a week to watch movies with my friends and play guitar hero. So this is still very much up in the air.
On top of all these new found activities, I still have my unfinished activities that I am going to diligently try to get completed. Some of these are: Finish my afghan, finish the movie I am making for my grandfather, clean my room, finish the three books I have begun reading and haven't finished, etc.
Not to mention that I am planning on moving out shortly. Where, I am not yet sure.
And if those weren't enough diversions, what list would be complete with out that "certain somebody"? I recently met someone that I find very interesting, but at the same time I am completely intimidated. Have you ever met someone that is just WAY out of your league? That even if you COULD date them, you don't know if you WOULD? There is a great fear of being a stepping stone until something better comes along, with someone that is too pretty or too handsome. And while I don't know much about this person, he's definitely a distraction I could get used to. Plus...I still carry that torch for someone else. I am not sure what to do with those feelings. I can't tell if the feeling is mutual with that person or not. Somedays I would say yes his are, but others I would say no his aren't. We don't communicate much just the two of us, but I wish I could convey to this person, that despite what he may think, I like him just as he is. But for now, I guess it is just my lot to carry them and try to figure out what to do with them later...unless he finally clues in.
I guess this is on my mind a lot today because yesterday we were taught by the Bishop. He discussed the Of Souls, Sacraments and Symbols talk given by Elder Holland. His question was to all of us "why are you here?". His meaning was all too clear: why are you still in the singles ward? and I couldn't help throw a mental "again" in there. Fear is a great tool for the adversary and I am sad to say that I am scared. I am scared to death that I could get hurt all over again. I am scared that no matter what I do, I won't be good enough. I just rebuilt the confidence that I have, am I ready to risk having someone tear it down? And is thinking about it more damaging than actually just going for it, because I am more invested in it with considerable thought?
Interesting things to ponder in my free time...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A Hard Day...
I wasn't sure if I would write about this, but I find I can't stop myself. So please forgive me in my indulgence.
I woke this morning, staring at my closet trying to decide what to wear. What do you wear to say goodbye? I tried so hard to be possitive, to be happy for Trevor, but that didn't stop the spontaneous crying spurts.
I came home last night and found my brother, standing in his now sparce room, looking over clothes with my mother, deciding which to keep and which to give to D.I.. He was standing there, like he had for so many days and years before yesterday, but for some reason, I was now able to see him properly. He was a boy turning into a man. The fleeting thought I had when I first glanced at him, was that he looked like a missionary. He is no longer the little boy, with overwhelmingly big glasses and cowboy boots. He's grown up. I knew it was happening. I saw it every day. Until that very moment though, I didn't realize just how grown up he was.
Months ago, when he first got his call, I told myself..."January is so far away! There is plenty of time." It is so strange how time flies when you aren't paying attention.
I made it all the way up to the second line in the hymn "Called to Serve", at the MTC, before my throat closed and I lost the capability to do anything but cry and breathe. I couldn't help myself. I sat there, fighting the tears, crying probably worse than anyone else, sulking and balefully staring at the speakers. They gave their best "you will be blessed, your missionary is going to be great!" speaches and I sat there, glaring back, mentally screaming at them "what's your point? It won't stop the pain." My mind wandered to what they would do if I fought my way through the crowd of new missionaries to get to him as he exited out the "missionary exit"? How many noses would I be willing to break? I am sure the look on my face said "give me a reason to hit you."
I am happy for Trevor. This is the right decision for him. He's been called of God to serve the people of Mexico and I know that is where he belongs. The personal growth he will attain and the experiences he will have will be priceless to him througout his life. However, it doesn't stop the hole from forming where he was. It is a selfish desire, I am aware, for me to want him here. I know that the reason it has been and is so painful, is that I want him for myself, to continue being here for me. I want him to be here to laugh with me...share stories with me...make faces at me. The pain I am feeling is purely selfishness.
I can't help but keep expecting him to walk through the door at any minute and give me a hug. It was such a regular occurance.
I realized today, as I sat before the mirror, getting ready, that this was the end of an era with Trevor and I. Even when he does come back from his mission, things will have changed. We will have changed. Life will move forward and we will both hopefully have families of our own. We will move away and our concentration will be our own families. I know we will always remain close, but it will never be as it was yesterday.
I think that is the hardest part of it all, because I know, as I stand at the doorway of his vacant room and his empty bed, that I am not only looking at the void he's now left behind, but I am looking at the ghost of the past, which was so wonderful and yet will never be again.
The emptiness of it all is astounding.
I pray tomorrow is better.
I woke this morning, staring at my closet trying to decide what to wear. What do you wear to say goodbye? I tried so hard to be possitive, to be happy for Trevor, but that didn't stop the spontaneous crying spurts.
I came home last night and found my brother, standing in his now sparce room, looking over clothes with my mother, deciding which to keep and which to give to D.I.. He was standing there, like he had for so many days and years before yesterday, but for some reason, I was now able to see him properly. He was a boy turning into a man. The fleeting thought I had when I first glanced at him, was that he looked like a missionary. He is no longer the little boy, with overwhelmingly big glasses and cowboy boots. He's grown up. I knew it was happening. I saw it every day. Until that very moment though, I didn't realize just how grown up he was.
Months ago, when he first got his call, I told myself..."January is so far away! There is plenty of time." It is so strange how time flies when you aren't paying attention.
I made it all the way up to the second line in the hymn "Called to Serve", at the MTC, before my throat closed and I lost the capability to do anything but cry and breathe. I couldn't help myself. I sat there, fighting the tears, crying probably worse than anyone else, sulking and balefully staring at the speakers. They gave their best "you will be blessed, your missionary is going to be great!" speaches and I sat there, glaring back, mentally screaming at them "what's your point? It won't stop the pain." My mind wandered to what they would do if I fought my way through the crowd of new missionaries to get to him as he exited out the "missionary exit"? How many noses would I be willing to break? I am sure the look on my face said "give me a reason to hit you."
I am happy for Trevor. This is the right decision for him. He's been called of God to serve the people of Mexico and I know that is where he belongs. The personal growth he will attain and the experiences he will have will be priceless to him througout his life. However, it doesn't stop the hole from forming where he was. It is a selfish desire, I am aware, for me to want him here. I know that the reason it has been and is so painful, is that I want him for myself, to continue being here for me. I want him to be here to laugh with me...share stories with me...make faces at me. The pain I am feeling is purely selfishness.
I can't help but keep expecting him to walk through the door at any minute and give me a hug. It was such a regular occurance.
I realized today, as I sat before the mirror, getting ready, that this was the end of an era with Trevor and I. Even when he does come back from his mission, things will have changed. We will have changed. Life will move forward and we will both hopefully have families of our own. We will move away and our concentration will be our own families. I know we will always remain close, but it will never be as it was yesterday.
I think that is the hardest part of it all, because I know, as I stand at the doorway of his vacant room and his empty bed, that I am not only looking at the void he's now left behind, but I am looking at the ghost of the past, which was so wonderful and yet will never be again.
The emptiness of it all is astounding.
I pray tomorrow is better.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2009: Year 28
Well, here we are in 2009. I can't believe just how fast time flies anymore! This new years, thanks to the accident that I was in in 2007, I spent the evening on the couch enduring a 24 hr migraine, that I am just sure has to feel like what it would feel like if your brain was being melted from the inside. It was absolutely the most horrible pain that I have ever experienced so far in this life. So yeah, New Years 2009...started off not with a bang, but a migraine. Lovely.
So, the new year brings to mind resolutions and what my goals are for this coming year. I have several that have always been on the list, but I haven't really sat down to think about it till now. Here is what I have come up with so far:
1) daily prayers and scripture reading (making the Lord a real priority in my life)
2) daily gym attendance
3) always looking at the great gifts that I have in my life (concentrating on the positive rather than the negative)
4) attending the temple more
5) finding more opportunities to serve
6) get out of debt (or decrease debt more than I take on)
7) get my own place
8) open myself up to dating/relationships
9) hug more
10) forgive myself for the past and the lack of being perfect
11) have more confidence in myself
12) trust more
So that's my list so far. I believe that I have more will power to stick to them this year.
Also, as the new year came and went, I wondered what I did with the year that passed and here is what I found:
I started off the new year with friends, having a great time at the karaoke machine.
I celebrated my birthday by taking my niece to a princess breakfast and the Hanna Montana movie; and taking my nephew to the Monster Truck show which was awesome.
I spent a lot of time with family.
I went through the temple for the first time in May.
I was there for my sister's sealing in June when she was married.
I flew across the country with my 6 mo. old nephew to his new home in Pittsburgh. It was my third time flying, first with a baby, and my first time heading east when I have left the state. I miss my kids!
I took a trip with friends that I had only met a few times to Forks, WA for a purely fun trip, where I made so many great memories and friends who I know I will keep for lifetimes to come. We are planning the next trip for this year.
I hung out with some great people.
I watched movies I never would have thought of to watch (thanks to Jeff & Tim)
I grew closer to people in my ward.
I allowed myself to have my first crush in something like seven years.
I rejoiced with my brother when he got his mission call.
I celebrated both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.
I embraced my inner dork more and celebrated events with crazed fans for the Twilight book and movie.
All in all, I had a very productive year. A happy year. Yes, there were times of sorrow and heartbreak, but all in all I was happy. I think this year will open up to more happiness, but happiness is a choice, it is not something that just happens to you, so I need to choose to be happier.
I will face some hard things. Trevor leaving for his mission may indeed kill me. While I know it is for his best and the best of the people that he will serve in the name of the Lord, he is my best friend and I don't know how I will do without him. He is always the one to counsel me on the things that life sends to me and matters of the heart, my decoder for all things "men", my fun finder, and my walmart-fun companion. I don't know how I will do without him.
But, I will do my best. So, 2009, here I come.
May 2009 bring you the best that this life has to offer. May you find happiness, greater peace and enlightenment, and the answers to the questions that you ask.
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