Well, after almost an official week, I should note that I am fairing much better after a few days than I was last wednesday.
It has been hard. I won't lie about that, but for a majority of the time, I do relatively well. It's those times of the day that we used to hang out the most that really get to me. It's like being addicted to a drug. You need the fix. You NEED that person. There's an underlaying hum, an emptiness, that I feel as I drive up to the house after work. How many nights had we gone to sushi and a movie? How many nights, when working late, had I gotten text messages from him wondering "where u is?"...
I miss him....but I am surviving.
As a fix I am trying to fill up my free time as much as possible to fill the void. I signed up for a few community classes; things I have wanted to do or learn about for some time. This week I start my Belly Dancing classes on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I have always been amazed at how Shakira drops her hips in her music videos. I realize that it is just a trick of the eye, but it looks really cool. Next week, I will start a Digital Photography class. I am really looking forward to this class, because I have often admired the photos that friends and relatives have taken and wanted to understand and know more about how they do it. So those are the two community classes that I am taking for now. It was a hard choice, there were so many to choose from that I wouldn't have minded taking.
In addition, I am considering taking Pole classes. These are classes that help you strengthen your core muscles and overall fitness. I have already been to one of the classes, and really liked it, but these classes are the same nights as my new community classes, so I am going to have to see if it is even possible to cram this one in. I would really like to though. Another thing that makes choosing to take this class would be that it would mean I would no longer be able to go to movie night. It is nice to get together once a week to watch movies with my friends and play guitar hero. So this is still very much up in the air.
On top of all these new found activities, I still have my unfinished activities that I am going to diligently try to get completed. Some of these are: Finish my afghan, finish the movie I am making for my grandfather, clean my room, finish the three books I have begun reading and haven't finished, etc.
Not to mention that I am planning on moving out shortly. Where, I am not yet sure.
And if those weren't enough diversions, what list would be complete with out that "certain somebody"? I recently met someone that I find very interesting, but at the same time I am completely intimidated. Have you ever met someone that is just WAY out of your league? That even if you COULD date them, you don't know if you WOULD? There is a great fear of being a stepping stone until something better comes along, with someone that is too pretty or too handsome. And while I don't know much about this person, he's definitely a distraction I could get used to. Plus...I still carry that torch for someone else. I am not sure what to do with those feelings. I can't tell if the feeling is mutual with that person or not. Somedays I would say yes his are, but others I would say no his aren't. We don't communicate much just the two of us, but I wish I could convey to this person, that despite what he may think, I like him just as he is. But for now, I guess it is just my lot to carry them and try to figure out what to do with them later...unless he finally clues in.
I guess this is on my mind a lot today because yesterday we were taught by the Bishop. He discussed the Of Souls, Sacraments and Symbols talk given by Elder Holland. His question was to all of us "why are you here?". His meaning was all too clear: why are you still in the singles ward? and I couldn't help throw a mental "again" in there. Fear is a great tool for the adversary and I am sad to say that I am scared. I am scared to death that I could get hurt all over again. I am scared that no matter what I do, I won't be good enough. I just rebuilt the confidence that I have, am I ready to risk having someone tear it down? And is thinking about it more damaging than actually just going for it, because I am more invested in it with considerable thought?
Interesting things to ponder in my free time...
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