Describe yourself in one word...

Over Indian food and lots of laughs, a group of friends and I played a game last night, that at first seemed inconsequential. However, after hours of reflection on it, I can’t but help seeing how favorable a game it was. The game in itself was basic and simple. One word. You have one word to describe yourself and the others around the table have to list off one word that describes you. In this, not only to you portray your image of yourself, but you see the image that others see. An unusual gift.

My word for myself came quickly, easily and with resolution: Twisted. This is how I see myself. I am a complex mixture of good and evil; of dark and light; of truth and lies. I enjoy all the good this life has to offer, with a dash of the bad. I suppose the reason I see myself this way is based off of the decisions I have made in the past, some more unsavory than others. I have mended what was broken by those decisions as best I could, but I still carry the scars. Some days, I hate those scars and other days I harbor them as proof of what I was once capable of and of what it took to overcome them. Truly…twisted.

As we went around the table, with some of what I consider my closest friends, I was surprised to hear the responses of others on how they saw me. I didn’t recognize the person they mentioned. Surely that was not me. And as I always tend to do, self reflection kicked and made me contemplate what it was that they saw, that I didn’t. I began to look at the words they used and looked up the synonyms for each word, to help me better understand. Here are the words:

Direct: Straight, Unswerving, Undeviating, Nonstop and Express. (Those are some of the synonyms)

I think this one is the hardest for me to accept, because I am not generally a direct person. I believe on one hand, I can think of all the times I have ever been direct, and even those were in a roundabout way. Unless I am fighting with someone, am I rarely that blunt. I don’t have the gall to be completely direct.

Bold: Brave, Daring, Courageous, Audacious

I can accept audacious and even perhaps a little of brave. There is a part of me that would like to believe that I am daring, but I usually have so much restraint on myself, that this normally is not possible.

Sassy: Lively, Impudent, Impertinent, Playful, Feisty, Impish, and Brazen

At first I argued this word vehemently, but after taking a look at the synonyms, I am more inclined to agree. I can definitely see the Impudence in myself and I know that at times I am too brazen.

Twisted (I know it was my word, but I wanted to see anyway): Warped, Perverse, Sick, Bitter, Cruel and Abnormal

Check, check, check, check, check and check! See….I KNEW my word was spot on! There are few people that I know of that have a more warped sense of humor than I do. And at some point in my life, I have been the pure definition of each of those synonyms.

Compassionate: Sympathetic, Feeling, Concerned, Kindhearted and Considerate

These I would argue with, but I cannot lie, even to myself. I acknowledge that there is a great deal I feel for others and would do more for them than I would myself.

The last word was Onion. I saved this word for last for the simple fact that really, it is probably closer to the truth than any other. Onion…as in layers (a quick reference to Shrek).

I once read a book about a girl that had multiple personalities. Each personality was created to protect, to take on a different function for this person, and at the center was the little girl that so desperately needed the protection. While I will undoubtedly say I suffer nothing like what that poor woman has had to come to terms with, I will say that in my own way, I have layered myself with attributes to protect myself. This is something that I have only started to notice and come to grips with in the past few months, but after taking a look at the way my friends see me, I took a second look at what I have discovered in myself already and realized just how disturbingly close their perceptions are.

In truth, I am not one, but seven: Twisted, Hard, Seductive, Logical, Anguish, Elation, and Mischief.

And if you haven't seen one of them in me, then perhaps you weren't meant to...