If it really were the end...

This weekend I was priviledged enough to take a quick trip to Denver to visit my grandmother. With the cost of airfare so low, there really wasn't much debate over it, since I very rarely get to see her and even MORE rarely, see her alone. The last time I visited on my own would have been over 14 years ago and it was a costly trip of riding in a jam-packed van (not mini-van) full of people over the mountains to Denver and then flying back. Since then I have visited a couple of times with family, but never alone.

So I purchased the extremely cheap tickets & then secured a rent a car. Then I waited. When I booked the tickets, it felt like the date would never come and all too quickly it came and went.

I flew out, picked up the car, drove to Grandma's and proceeded to veg-out with her all weekend. It was great! I think I got to know her a little better and as time goes on and we all get older, I think I appreciate her more.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about dying.

I can't help it. I LOVE to fly! I LOVE IT! I love the take off, the speed. I love looking down on everything (when the clouds part of course, since it was mostly cloudy this time). I love gauging where we are in the sky compared to the earth below. I LOVE turbulance! (Ok, I have to preface, that I really haven't had a BAD turbulance experience, but what I have experienced...I really kinda liked. I know...I am sick!) I just love the whole experience.

I really started flying last year. Sure, I had a couple trips here and there when I was younger to California for Disneyland and the one trip home from Denver over 14 years ago, but as a rule of thumb, I have always driven everywhere. I am no stranger to long distance road trips.

Last year, I first flew to Pittsburgh and then later in the year I flew to Seattle with friends. I fell in love all over again. And this year, so far, I had the two trips planned, one to Denver to visit Grandma and one again to Seattle with friends which will be at the end of June. I cannot wait to get back up in the air!

But like I said, this post is about dying.

After 911, one cannot help but look around at the other passengers and wonder. Will they be the last people that you see on this earth? As I walk down the aisle, looking for an acceptable seat, I look at each person and I can almost hear a narrator in the background monologing how this was just an ordinary flight that was expected to only take 1 hour to complete and how things went terribly wrong. I could hear my own voice too, on the voicemail of some loved one telling them that I love them and one last goodbye. Probably my mother.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am more talking about the plane going down of natural causes, more than a hostile takeover or anything like that.

Would the faces of those people be the last that I ever saw? Would the last time my mother heard my voice be when she dropped me off at the airport or the phone call right before my flight took off to come home?

I am morbid I know. But this is what I am thinking about as I fly.

However, I am calm. I am rational. I can think about it quite litterally without any emotion. While that is a little disconcerting to me, I have to believe that it is because even if my plane WERE to go down, I would be fine. I wouldn't be fine in the "walked away without a scratch" fine, but I know that life does go on. Sure, it would be hard for those around me. They would miss me I am sure (or hope...lol). But if my life ended yesterday as I flew home, falling out of the sky and a huge height, I would be ok with that.

I wouldn't be like some, leaving children behind. Or leaving great things undone. In my life, I kind of believe that I have done what I came here to accomplish and I have had more than most ever get to experience.

I am not saying that I would sit there and not freak out, because I am sure that I would! But I think the acceptance of the overall outcome would come to me sooner than most of those on board because of those things that they would be leaving behind and because of my knowledge that this would not be the ultimate end.

I must mention here, that while I have experienced some things in this life, I have not experienced all, and some would argue that to talk like this (completely rational about death) is VERY disturbing and depressing. But I disagree.

In my life I have had to overcome some things that others have not. I have been able to support myself. I have had the opportunity to be married. While I haven't had children of my own, I have had plenty of children around me, whom I have LOVED as my own. I have taught myself the things I wanted to learn about. I have grown considerably closer to the gospel and the church than I have ever been. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be.

So while there apparently is still something out there for me to accomplish, because I believe that we don't just kick it on this earth if our mission is done, I DO think that if it were my time to be called home, at this particular moment in my life, I would be ok with that.

I think about all of this as I fly....and I LOVE it!