Since there are many of you that follow me only through my blog, I decided I would write a post about my latest endeavor.
When Trevor went on his mission, I decided that the BEST way to make the time go by faster would be to take some classes in the community. One of the classes was a Belly Dancing class, something I have always wanted to try!
For those of you that know me best, this is not that surprising, because I am always moving and shaking to whatever music I can find.
The class that I took through the community was only a six week course, but I absolutely loved it! At the end of the class, we had a performance, and though I was scared out of my mind, I enjoyed performing! I enjoyed the class on such a level, that when it was mentioned that there were available spots on the Troupe and tryouts were coming up, I was thrilled at the possibility of continuing on!
Well, over the past month or so since my little community course ended, I have been going to the classes on Tuesday night and working with the Troupe, learning what kind of effort and stamina is expected of those on the Troupe. It's hard work!
Last Tuesday night, I tried out. Even though I was really nervous (it is so much worse to have people you know and like critique you) and made SEVERAL mistakes in the trial routine, they gave me the opportunity to join the Troupe! I am very excited to really get started!
Here is the webside for Desert Gypsy Dance Company: http://www.desertgypsydanceco.com/index.html
There are three different dance troupes. I will be dancing with Desert Melody. All the ladies in the class are awesome!
Also, here is the Blog for DGDC: http://desertgypsydanceco.blogspot.com/
I am a little behind most of these ladies, not having danced this style of dance before the beginning of this year, but I feel confident that if I work on the moves with regularity, I will achieve the level I need to be!
Here is a link to view the video of my in my performance in March: http://www.facebook.com/p.php?i=648083809&k=3WD4XYQYV2ZM5EC1XEV2QS
Enjoy! And I will keep you updated on when and where I will be performing!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
If it really were the end...
This weekend I was priviledged enough to take a quick trip to Denver to visit my grandmother. With the cost of airfare so low, there really wasn't much debate over it, since I very rarely get to see her and even MORE rarely, see her alone. The last time I visited on my own would have been over 14 years ago and it was a costly trip of riding in a jam-packed van (not mini-van) full of people over the mountains to Denver and then flying back. Since then I have visited a couple of times with family, but never alone.
So I purchased the extremely cheap tickets & then secured a rent a car. Then I waited. When I booked the tickets, it felt like the date would never come and all too quickly it came and went.
I flew out, picked up the car, drove to Grandma's and proceeded to veg-out with her all weekend. It was great! I think I got to know her a little better and as time goes on and we all get older, I think I appreciate her more.
But that is not what this post is about. This post is about dying.
I can't help it. I LOVE to fly! I LOVE IT! I love the take off, the speed. I love looking down on everything (when the clouds part of course, since it was mostly cloudy this time). I love gauging where we are in the sky compared to the earth below. I LOVE turbulance! (Ok, I have to preface, that I really haven't had a BAD turbulance experience, but what I have experienced...I really kinda liked. I know...I am sick!) I just love the whole experience.
I really started flying last year. Sure, I had a couple trips here and there when I was younger to California for Disneyland and the one trip home from Denver over 14 years ago, but as a rule of thumb, I have always driven everywhere. I am no stranger to long distance road trips.
Last year, I first flew to Pittsburgh and then later in the year I flew to Seattle with friends. I fell in love all over again. And this year, so far, I had the two trips planned, one to Denver to visit Grandma and one again to Seattle with friends which will be at the end of June. I cannot wait to get back up in the air!
But like I said, this post is about dying.
After 911, one cannot help but look around at the other passengers and wonder. Will they be the last people that you see on this earth? As I walk down the aisle, looking for an acceptable seat, I look at each person and I can almost hear a narrator in the background monologing how this was just an ordinary flight that was expected to only take 1 hour to complete and how things went terribly wrong. I could hear my own voice too, on the voicemail of some loved one telling them that I love them and one last goodbye. Probably my mother.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am more talking about the plane going down of natural causes, more than a hostile takeover or anything like that.
Would the faces of those people be the last that I ever saw? Would the last time my mother heard my voice be when she dropped me off at the airport or the phone call right before my flight took off to come home?
I am morbid I know. But this is what I am thinking about as I fly.
However, I am calm. I am rational. I can think about it quite litterally without any emotion. While that is a little disconcerting to me, I have to believe that it is because even if my plane WERE to go down, I would be fine. I wouldn't be fine in the "walked away without a scratch" fine, but I know that life does go on. Sure, it would be hard for those around me. They would miss me I am sure (or hope...lol). But if my life ended yesterday as I flew home, falling out of the sky and a huge height, I would be ok with that.
I wouldn't be like some, leaving children behind. Or leaving great things undone. In my life, I kind of believe that I have done what I came here to accomplish and I have had more than most ever get to experience.
I am not saying that I would sit there and not freak out, because I am sure that I would! But I think the acceptance of the overall outcome would come to me sooner than most of those on board because of those things that they would be leaving behind and because of my knowledge that this would not be the ultimate end.
I must mention here, that while I have experienced some things in this life, I have not experienced all, and some would argue that to talk like this (completely rational about death) is VERY disturbing and depressing. But I disagree.
In my life I have had to overcome some things that others have not. I have been able to support myself. I have had the opportunity to be married. While I haven't had children of my own, I have had plenty of children around me, whom I have LOVED as my own. I have taught myself the things I wanted to learn about. I have grown considerably closer to the gospel and the church than I have ever been. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be.
So while there apparently is still something out there for me to accomplish, because I believe that we don't just kick it on this earth if our mission is done, I DO think that if it were my time to be called home, at this particular moment in my life, I would be ok with that.
I think about all of this as I fly....and I LOVE it!
So I purchased the extremely cheap tickets & then secured a rent a car. Then I waited. When I booked the tickets, it felt like the date would never come and all too quickly it came and went.
I flew out, picked up the car, drove to Grandma's and proceeded to veg-out with her all weekend. It was great! I think I got to know her a little better and as time goes on and we all get older, I think I appreciate her more.
But that is not what this post is about. This post is about dying.
I can't help it. I LOVE to fly! I LOVE IT! I love the take off, the speed. I love looking down on everything (when the clouds part of course, since it was mostly cloudy this time). I love gauging where we are in the sky compared to the earth below. I LOVE turbulance! (Ok, I have to preface, that I really haven't had a BAD turbulance experience, but what I have experienced...I really kinda liked. I know...I am sick!) I just love the whole experience.
I really started flying last year. Sure, I had a couple trips here and there when I was younger to California for Disneyland and the one trip home from Denver over 14 years ago, but as a rule of thumb, I have always driven everywhere. I am no stranger to long distance road trips.
Last year, I first flew to Pittsburgh and then later in the year I flew to Seattle with friends. I fell in love all over again. And this year, so far, I had the two trips planned, one to Denver to visit Grandma and one again to Seattle with friends which will be at the end of June. I cannot wait to get back up in the air!
But like I said, this post is about dying.
After 911, one cannot help but look around at the other passengers and wonder. Will they be the last people that you see on this earth? As I walk down the aisle, looking for an acceptable seat, I look at each person and I can almost hear a narrator in the background monologing how this was just an ordinary flight that was expected to only take 1 hour to complete and how things went terribly wrong. I could hear my own voice too, on the voicemail of some loved one telling them that I love them and one last goodbye. Probably my mother.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am more talking about the plane going down of natural causes, more than a hostile takeover or anything like that.
Would the faces of those people be the last that I ever saw? Would the last time my mother heard my voice be when she dropped me off at the airport or the phone call right before my flight took off to come home?
I am morbid I know. But this is what I am thinking about as I fly.
However, I am calm. I am rational. I can think about it quite litterally without any emotion. While that is a little disconcerting to me, I have to believe that it is because even if my plane WERE to go down, I would be fine. I wouldn't be fine in the "walked away without a scratch" fine, but I know that life does go on. Sure, it would be hard for those around me. They would miss me I am sure (or hope...lol). But if my life ended yesterday as I flew home, falling out of the sky and a huge height, I would be ok with that.
I wouldn't be like some, leaving children behind. Or leaving great things undone. In my life, I kind of believe that I have done what I came here to accomplish and I have had more than most ever get to experience.
I am not saying that I would sit there and not freak out, because I am sure that I would! But I think the acceptance of the overall outcome would come to me sooner than most of those on board because of those things that they would be leaving behind and because of my knowledge that this would not be the ultimate end.
I must mention here, that while I have experienced some things in this life, I have not experienced all, and some would argue that to talk like this (completely rational about death) is VERY disturbing and depressing. But I disagree.
In my life I have had to overcome some things that others have not. I have been able to support myself. I have had the opportunity to be married. While I haven't had children of my own, I have had plenty of children around me, whom I have LOVED as my own. I have taught myself the things I wanted to learn about. I have grown considerably closer to the gospel and the church than I have ever been. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be.
So while there apparently is still something out there for me to accomplish, because I believe that we don't just kick it on this earth if our mission is done, I DO think that if it were my time to be called home, at this particular moment in my life, I would be ok with that.
I think about all of this as I fly....and I LOVE it!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Describe yourself in one word...
Over Indian food and lots of laughs, a group of friends and I played a game last night, that at first seemed inconsequential. However, after hours of reflection on it, I can’t but help seeing how favorable a game it was. The game in itself was basic and simple. One word. You have one word to describe yourself and the others around the table have to list off one word that describes you. In this, not only to you portray your image of yourself, but you see the image that others see. An unusual gift.
My word for myself came quickly, easily and with resolution: Twisted. This is how I see myself. I am a complex mixture of good and evil; of dark and light; of truth and lies. I enjoy all the good this life has to offer, with a dash of the bad. I suppose the reason I see myself this way is based off of the decisions I have made in the past, some more unsavory than others. I have mended what was broken by those decisions as best I could, but I still carry the scars. Some days, I hate those scars and other days I harbor them as proof of what I was once capable of and of what it took to overcome them. Truly…twisted.
As we went around the table, with some of what I consider my closest friends, I was surprised to hear the responses of others on how they saw me. I didn’t recognize the person they mentioned. Surely that was not me. And as I always tend to do, self reflection kicked and made me contemplate what it was that they saw, that I didn’t. I began to look at the words they used and looked up the synonyms for each word, to help me better understand. Here are the words:
Direct: Straight, Unswerving, Undeviating, Nonstop and Express. (Those are some of the synonyms)
I think this one is the hardest for me to accept, because I am not generally a direct person. I believe on one hand, I can think of all the times I have ever been direct, and even those were in a roundabout way. Unless I am fighting with someone, am I rarely that blunt. I don’t have the gall to be completely direct.
Bold: Brave, Daring, Courageous, Audacious
I can accept audacious and even perhaps a little of brave. There is a part of me that would like to believe that I am daring, but I usually have so much restraint on myself, that this normally is not possible.
Sassy: Lively, Impudent, Impertinent, Playful, Feisty, Impish, and Brazen
At first I argued this word vehemently, but after taking a look at the synonyms, I am more inclined to agree. I can definitely see the Impudence in myself and I know that at times I am too brazen.
Twisted (I know it was my word, but I wanted to see anyway): Warped, Perverse, Sick, Bitter, Cruel and Abnormal
Check, check, check, check, check and check! See….I KNEW my word was spot on! There are few people that I know of that have a more warped sense of humor than I do. And at some point in my life, I have been the pure definition of each of those synonyms.
Compassionate: Sympathetic, Feeling, Concerned, Kindhearted and Considerate
These I would argue with, but I cannot lie, even to myself. I acknowledge that there is a great deal I feel for others and would do more for them than I would myself.
The last word was Onion. I saved this word for last for the simple fact that really, it is probably closer to the truth than any other. Onion…as in layers (a quick reference to Shrek).
I once read a book about a girl that had multiple personalities. Each personality was created to protect, to take on a different function for this person, and at the center was the little girl that so desperately needed the protection. While I will undoubtedly say I suffer nothing like what that poor woman has had to come to terms with, I will say that in my own way, I have layered myself with attributes to protect myself. This is something that I have only started to notice and come to grips with in the past few months, but after taking a look at the way my friends see me, I took a second look at what I have discovered in myself already and realized just how disturbingly close their perceptions are.
In truth, I am not one, but seven: Twisted, Hard, Seductive, Logical, Anguish, Elation, and Mischief.
And if you haven't seen one of them in me, then perhaps you weren't meant to...
My word for myself came quickly, easily and with resolution: Twisted. This is how I see myself. I am a complex mixture of good and evil; of dark and light; of truth and lies. I enjoy all the good this life has to offer, with a dash of the bad. I suppose the reason I see myself this way is based off of the decisions I have made in the past, some more unsavory than others. I have mended what was broken by those decisions as best I could, but I still carry the scars. Some days, I hate those scars and other days I harbor them as proof of what I was once capable of and of what it took to overcome them. Truly…twisted.
As we went around the table, with some of what I consider my closest friends, I was surprised to hear the responses of others on how they saw me. I didn’t recognize the person they mentioned. Surely that was not me. And as I always tend to do, self reflection kicked and made me contemplate what it was that they saw, that I didn’t. I began to look at the words they used and looked up the synonyms for each word, to help me better understand. Here are the words:
Direct: Straight, Unswerving, Undeviating, Nonstop and Express. (Those are some of the synonyms)
I think this one is the hardest for me to accept, because I am not generally a direct person. I believe on one hand, I can think of all the times I have ever been direct, and even those were in a roundabout way. Unless I am fighting with someone, am I rarely that blunt. I don’t have the gall to be completely direct.
Bold: Brave, Daring, Courageous, Audacious
I can accept audacious and even perhaps a little of brave. There is a part of me that would like to believe that I am daring, but I usually have so much restraint on myself, that this normally is not possible.
Sassy: Lively, Impudent, Impertinent, Playful, Feisty, Impish, and Brazen
At first I argued this word vehemently, but after taking a look at the synonyms, I am more inclined to agree. I can definitely see the Impudence in myself and I know that at times I am too brazen.
Twisted (I know it was my word, but I wanted to see anyway): Warped, Perverse, Sick, Bitter, Cruel and Abnormal
Check, check, check, check, check and check! See….I KNEW my word was spot on! There are few people that I know of that have a more warped sense of humor than I do. And at some point in my life, I have been the pure definition of each of those synonyms.
Compassionate: Sympathetic, Feeling, Concerned, Kindhearted and Considerate
These I would argue with, but I cannot lie, even to myself. I acknowledge that there is a great deal I feel for others and would do more for them than I would myself.
The last word was Onion. I saved this word for last for the simple fact that really, it is probably closer to the truth than any other. Onion…as in layers (a quick reference to Shrek).
I once read a book about a girl that had multiple personalities. Each personality was created to protect, to take on a different function for this person, and at the center was the little girl that so desperately needed the protection. While I will undoubtedly say I suffer nothing like what that poor woman has had to come to terms with, I will say that in my own way, I have layered myself with attributes to protect myself. This is something that I have only started to notice and come to grips with in the past few months, but after taking a look at the way my friends see me, I took a second look at what I have discovered in myself already and realized just how disturbingly close their perceptions are.
In truth, I am not one, but seven: Twisted, Hard, Seductive, Logical, Anguish, Elation, and Mischief.
And if you haven't seen one of them in me, then perhaps you weren't meant to...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Correction on New Blog for Elder Stevens
Hi! Sorry, the address that I linked to in the previous post was incorrect, so here's the right one:
www.elderstevens4veracruz.blogspot.com
That is the right address. If you go over there now, you can see the companion that I made up and shipped off to him. And hopefully, since today is Wednesday, we will be having more to share with everyone.
Thanks!
www.elderstevens4veracruz.blogspot.com
That is the right address. If you go over there now, you can see the companion that I made up and shipped off to him. And hopefully, since today is Wednesday, we will be having more to share with everyone.
Thanks!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
New Blog for Elder Stevens
Hello Friends & Family!
I just wanted to let you know that I have set up a blog for Elder Trevor Stevens to track his progress, share his letters and showcase his pictures while he's away on his mission to Veracruz, Mexico. As we receive updates, I will post them there as well as his Facebook account.
Please feel free to comment if you have any questions and I will get back to you.
Here is the link for his blog:
www.elderstevens4veracruz.com
I have also added a link to it on the right hand of the screen for easy access.
Thanks!
~Brooke
I just wanted to let you know that I have set up a blog for Elder Trevor Stevens to track his progress, share his letters and showcase his pictures while he's away on his mission to Veracruz, Mexico. As we receive updates, I will post them there as well as his Facebook account.
Please feel free to comment if you have any questions and I will get back to you.
Here is the link for his blog:
www.elderstevens4veracruz.com
I have also added a link to it on the right hand of the screen for easy access.
Thanks!
~Brooke
Monday, January 26, 2009
Time heals...but bring on the diversions anyway
Well, after almost an official week, I should note that I am fairing much better after a few days than I was last wednesday.
It has been hard. I won't lie about that, but for a majority of the time, I do relatively well. It's those times of the day that we used to hang out the most that really get to me. It's like being addicted to a drug. You need the fix. You NEED that person. There's an underlaying hum, an emptiness, that I feel as I drive up to the house after work. How many nights had we gone to sushi and a movie? How many nights, when working late, had I gotten text messages from him wondering "where u is?"...
I miss him....but I am surviving.
As a fix I am trying to fill up my free time as much as possible to fill the void. I signed up for a few community classes; things I have wanted to do or learn about for some time. This week I start my Belly Dancing classes on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I have always been amazed at how Shakira drops her hips in her music videos. I realize that it is just a trick of the eye, but it looks really cool. Next week, I will start a Digital Photography class. I am really looking forward to this class, because I have often admired the photos that friends and relatives have taken and wanted to understand and know more about how they do it. So those are the two community classes that I am taking for now. It was a hard choice, there were so many to choose from that I wouldn't have minded taking.
In addition, I am considering taking Pole classes. These are classes that help you strengthen your core muscles and overall fitness. I have already been to one of the classes, and really liked it, but these classes are the same nights as my new community classes, so I am going to have to see if it is even possible to cram this one in. I would really like to though. Another thing that makes choosing to take this class would be that it would mean I would no longer be able to go to movie night. It is nice to get together once a week to watch movies with my friends and play guitar hero. So this is still very much up in the air.
On top of all these new found activities, I still have my unfinished activities that I am going to diligently try to get completed. Some of these are: Finish my afghan, finish the movie I am making for my grandfather, clean my room, finish the three books I have begun reading and haven't finished, etc.
Not to mention that I am planning on moving out shortly. Where, I am not yet sure.
And if those weren't enough diversions, what list would be complete with out that "certain somebody"? I recently met someone that I find very interesting, but at the same time I am completely intimidated. Have you ever met someone that is just WAY out of your league? That even if you COULD date them, you don't know if you WOULD? There is a great fear of being a stepping stone until something better comes along, with someone that is too pretty or too handsome. And while I don't know much about this person, he's definitely a distraction I could get used to. Plus...I still carry that torch for someone else. I am not sure what to do with those feelings. I can't tell if the feeling is mutual with that person or not. Somedays I would say yes his are, but others I would say no his aren't. We don't communicate much just the two of us, but I wish I could convey to this person, that despite what he may think, I like him just as he is. But for now, I guess it is just my lot to carry them and try to figure out what to do with them later...unless he finally clues in.
I guess this is on my mind a lot today because yesterday we were taught by the Bishop. He discussed the Of Souls, Sacraments and Symbols talk given by Elder Holland. His question was to all of us "why are you here?". His meaning was all too clear: why are you still in the singles ward? and I couldn't help throw a mental "again" in there. Fear is a great tool for the adversary and I am sad to say that I am scared. I am scared to death that I could get hurt all over again. I am scared that no matter what I do, I won't be good enough. I just rebuilt the confidence that I have, am I ready to risk having someone tear it down? And is thinking about it more damaging than actually just going for it, because I am more invested in it with considerable thought?
Interesting things to ponder in my free time...
It has been hard. I won't lie about that, but for a majority of the time, I do relatively well. It's those times of the day that we used to hang out the most that really get to me. It's like being addicted to a drug. You need the fix. You NEED that person. There's an underlaying hum, an emptiness, that I feel as I drive up to the house after work. How many nights had we gone to sushi and a movie? How many nights, when working late, had I gotten text messages from him wondering "where u is?"...
I miss him....but I am surviving.
As a fix I am trying to fill up my free time as much as possible to fill the void. I signed up for a few community classes; things I have wanted to do or learn about for some time. This week I start my Belly Dancing classes on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I have always been amazed at how Shakira drops her hips in her music videos. I realize that it is just a trick of the eye, but it looks really cool. Next week, I will start a Digital Photography class. I am really looking forward to this class, because I have often admired the photos that friends and relatives have taken and wanted to understand and know more about how they do it. So those are the two community classes that I am taking for now. It was a hard choice, there were so many to choose from that I wouldn't have minded taking.
In addition, I am considering taking Pole classes. These are classes that help you strengthen your core muscles and overall fitness. I have already been to one of the classes, and really liked it, but these classes are the same nights as my new community classes, so I am going to have to see if it is even possible to cram this one in. I would really like to though. Another thing that makes choosing to take this class would be that it would mean I would no longer be able to go to movie night. It is nice to get together once a week to watch movies with my friends and play guitar hero. So this is still very much up in the air.
On top of all these new found activities, I still have my unfinished activities that I am going to diligently try to get completed. Some of these are: Finish my afghan, finish the movie I am making for my grandfather, clean my room, finish the three books I have begun reading and haven't finished, etc.
Not to mention that I am planning on moving out shortly. Where, I am not yet sure.
And if those weren't enough diversions, what list would be complete with out that "certain somebody"? I recently met someone that I find very interesting, but at the same time I am completely intimidated. Have you ever met someone that is just WAY out of your league? That even if you COULD date them, you don't know if you WOULD? There is a great fear of being a stepping stone until something better comes along, with someone that is too pretty or too handsome. And while I don't know much about this person, he's definitely a distraction I could get used to. Plus...I still carry that torch for someone else. I am not sure what to do with those feelings. I can't tell if the feeling is mutual with that person or not. Somedays I would say yes his are, but others I would say no his aren't. We don't communicate much just the two of us, but I wish I could convey to this person, that despite what he may think, I like him just as he is. But for now, I guess it is just my lot to carry them and try to figure out what to do with them later...unless he finally clues in.
I guess this is on my mind a lot today because yesterday we were taught by the Bishop. He discussed the Of Souls, Sacraments and Symbols talk given by Elder Holland. His question was to all of us "why are you here?". His meaning was all too clear: why are you still in the singles ward? and I couldn't help throw a mental "again" in there. Fear is a great tool for the adversary and I am sad to say that I am scared. I am scared to death that I could get hurt all over again. I am scared that no matter what I do, I won't be good enough. I just rebuilt the confidence that I have, am I ready to risk having someone tear it down? And is thinking about it more damaging than actually just going for it, because I am more invested in it with considerable thought?
Interesting things to ponder in my free time...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A Hard Day...
I wasn't sure if I would write about this, but I find I can't stop myself. So please forgive me in my indulgence.
I woke this morning, staring at my closet trying to decide what to wear. What do you wear to say goodbye? I tried so hard to be possitive, to be happy for Trevor, but that didn't stop the spontaneous crying spurts.
I came home last night and found my brother, standing in his now sparce room, looking over clothes with my mother, deciding which to keep and which to give to D.I.. He was standing there, like he had for so many days and years before yesterday, but for some reason, I was now able to see him properly. He was a boy turning into a man. The fleeting thought I had when I first glanced at him, was that he looked like a missionary. He is no longer the little boy, with overwhelmingly big glasses and cowboy boots. He's grown up. I knew it was happening. I saw it every day. Until that very moment though, I didn't realize just how grown up he was.
Months ago, when he first got his call, I told myself..."January is so far away! There is plenty of time." It is so strange how time flies when you aren't paying attention.
I made it all the way up to the second line in the hymn "Called to Serve", at the MTC, before my throat closed and I lost the capability to do anything but cry and breathe. I couldn't help myself. I sat there, fighting the tears, crying probably worse than anyone else, sulking and balefully staring at the speakers. They gave their best "you will be blessed, your missionary is going to be great!" speaches and I sat there, glaring back, mentally screaming at them "what's your point? It won't stop the pain." My mind wandered to what they would do if I fought my way through the crowd of new missionaries to get to him as he exited out the "missionary exit"? How many noses would I be willing to break? I am sure the look on my face said "give me a reason to hit you."
I am happy for Trevor. This is the right decision for him. He's been called of God to serve the people of Mexico and I know that is where he belongs. The personal growth he will attain and the experiences he will have will be priceless to him througout his life. However, it doesn't stop the hole from forming where he was. It is a selfish desire, I am aware, for me to want him here. I know that the reason it has been and is so painful, is that I want him for myself, to continue being here for me. I want him to be here to laugh with me...share stories with me...make faces at me. The pain I am feeling is purely selfishness.
I can't help but keep expecting him to walk through the door at any minute and give me a hug. It was such a regular occurance.
I realized today, as I sat before the mirror, getting ready, that this was the end of an era with Trevor and I. Even when he does come back from his mission, things will have changed. We will have changed. Life will move forward and we will both hopefully have families of our own. We will move away and our concentration will be our own families. I know we will always remain close, but it will never be as it was yesterday.
I think that is the hardest part of it all, because I know, as I stand at the doorway of his vacant room and his empty bed, that I am not only looking at the void he's now left behind, but I am looking at the ghost of the past, which was so wonderful and yet will never be again.
The emptiness of it all is astounding.
I pray tomorrow is better.
I woke this morning, staring at my closet trying to decide what to wear. What do you wear to say goodbye? I tried so hard to be possitive, to be happy for Trevor, but that didn't stop the spontaneous crying spurts.
I came home last night and found my brother, standing in his now sparce room, looking over clothes with my mother, deciding which to keep and which to give to D.I.. He was standing there, like he had for so many days and years before yesterday, but for some reason, I was now able to see him properly. He was a boy turning into a man. The fleeting thought I had when I first glanced at him, was that he looked like a missionary. He is no longer the little boy, with overwhelmingly big glasses and cowboy boots. He's grown up. I knew it was happening. I saw it every day. Until that very moment though, I didn't realize just how grown up he was.
Months ago, when he first got his call, I told myself..."January is so far away! There is plenty of time." It is so strange how time flies when you aren't paying attention.
I made it all the way up to the second line in the hymn "Called to Serve", at the MTC, before my throat closed and I lost the capability to do anything but cry and breathe. I couldn't help myself. I sat there, fighting the tears, crying probably worse than anyone else, sulking and balefully staring at the speakers. They gave their best "you will be blessed, your missionary is going to be great!" speaches and I sat there, glaring back, mentally screaming at them "what's your point? It won't stop the pain." My mind wandered to what they would do if I fought my way through the crowd of new missionaries to get to him as he exited out the "missionary exit"? How many noses would I be willing to break? I am sure the look on my face said "give me a reason to hit you."
I am happy for Trevor. This is the right decision for him. He's been called of God to serve the people of Mexico and I know that is where he belongs. The personal growth he will attain and the experiences he will have will be priceless to him througout his life. However, it doesn't stop the hole from forming where he was. It is a selfish desire, I am aware, for me to want him here. I know that the reason it has been and is so painful, is that I want him for myself, to continue being here for me. I want him to be here to laugh with me...share stories with me...make faces at me. The pain I am feeling is purely selfishness.
I can't help but keep expecting him to walk through the door at any minute and give me a hug. It was such a regular occurance.
I realized today, as I sat before the mirror, getting ready, that this was the end of an era with Trevor and I. Even when he does come back from his mission, things will have changed. We will have changed. Life will move forward and we will both hopefully have families of our own. We will move away and our concentration will be our own families. I know we will always remain close, but it will never be as it was yesterday.
I think that is the hardest part of it all, because I know, as I stand at the doorway of his vacant room and his empty bed, that I am not only looking at the void he's now left behind, but I am looking at the ghost of the past, which was so wonderful and yet will never be again.
The emptiness of it all is astounding.
I pray tomorrow is better.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2009: Year 28
Well, here we are in 2009. I can't believe just how fast time flies anymore! This new years, thanks to the accident that I was in in 2007, I spent the evening on the couch enduring a 24 hr migraine, that I am just sure has to feel like what it would feel like if your brain was being melted from the inside. It was absolutely the most horrible pain that I have ever experienced so far in this life. So yeah, New Years 2009...started off not with a bang, but a migraine. Lovely.
So, the new year brings to mind resolutions and what my goals are for this coming year. I have several that have always been on the list, but I haven't really sat down to think about it till now. Here is what I have come up with so far:
1) daily prayers and scripture reading (making the Lord a real priority in my life)
2) daily gym attendance
3) always looking at the great gifts that I have in my life (concentrating on the positive rather than the negative)
4) attending the temple more
5) finding more opportunities to serve
6) get out of debt (or decrease debt more than I take on)
7) get my own place
8) open myself up to dating/relationships
9) hug more
10) forgive myself for the past and the lack of being perfect
11) have more confidence in myself
12) trust more
So that's my list so far. I believe that I have more will power to stick to them this year.
Also, as the new year came and went, I wondered what I did with the year that passed and here is what I found:
I started off the new year with friends, having a great time at the karaoke machine.
I celebrated my birthday by taking my niece to a princess breakfast and the Hanna Montana movie; and taking my nephew to the Monster Truck show which was awesome.
I spent a lot of time with family.
I went through the temple for the first time in May.
I was there for my sister's sealing in June when she was married.
I flew across the country with my 6 mo. old nephew to his new home in Pittsburgh. It was my third time flying, first with a baby, and my first time heading east when I have left the state. I miss my kids!
I took a trip with friends that I had only met a few times to Forks, WA for a purely fun trip, where I made so many great memories and friends who I know I will keep for lifetimes to come. We are planning the next trip for this year.
I hung out with some great people.
I watched movies I never would have thought of to watch (thanks to Jeff & Tim)
I grew closer to people in my ward.
I allowed myself to have my first crush in something like seven years.
I rejoiced with my brother when he got his mission call.
I celebrated both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.
I embraced my inner dork more and celebrated events with crazed fans for the Twilight book and movie.
All in all, I had a very productive year. A happy year. Yes, there were times of sorrow and heartbreak, but all in all I was happy. I think this year will open up to more happiness, but happiness is a choice, it is not something that just happens to you, so I need to choose to be happier.
I will face some hard things. Trevor leaving for his mission may indeed kill me. While I know it is for his best and the best of the people that he will serve in the name of the Lord, he is my best friend and I don't know how I will do without him. He is always the one to counsel me on the things that life sends to me and matters of the heart, my decoder for all things "men", my fun finder, and my walmart-fun companion. I don't know how I will do without him.
But, I will do my best. So, 2009, here I come.
May 2009 bring you the best that this life has to offer. May you find happiness, greater peace and enlightenment, and the answers to the questions that you ask.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Land of Confusion...my version
This is what my map of the Land of Confusion, specifically focused on the neighborhood of Relationship, which is bordered by That's Life and Got-It-Together. (drawing per conversation with friend on relationships, whose art work is much better than mine)
*Side note: Mark, I added you a roof-top pool AND BBall court.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Christmas Toy Frustration
Sometimes I get seriously aggravated about stupid things. Well, let's be honest I get seriously aggravated about a lot of stupid things! So with that fact aside, here is my gripe this time. One of my all time favorite movies (dare I say, my most favorite movie), was recently released on DVD, which I am elated about! However, when comparing the VHS version of the movie that I bought last year and the new DVD version, there was a very NOTICEABLE difference! What have they done with Kermit?
The Christmas Toy, a Jim Hensen movie, used to be hosted at the beginning of the movie by none other than a festive Kermit-Santa and ended up with a sing a long with the jolly green fella himself. However, in the new DVD release, Kermit has been given the shaft! There is no Kermit action to speak of in this movie anymore, which I find tragic, since it no longer ties to the rest of the "muppet" family without that very important tie.
In some quick research, I was able to locate the problem. Kermit is now owned by Disney and you guessed it...the people putting this fabulous movie out on DVD didn't get rights from Disney for him, so he got the axe! I think it is tragic. I think there are just somethings in this world that are sacred and this is one of them. From my short research session at lunch, this movie was only shown perhaps once or twice on television (which would explain why everyone I ask if they have seen it has not), and would lead me to believe that those who are most likely going to purchase it are those die-hard fans like myself.
For the love of all things, why can't they just leave the movies that we know and love in their original state so that we can continue to love them year after year? Stupid rights....and even more stupid business deals...stupid corporate america and their trademarks! Urgh. It's like having Sesame Street without Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch. Common people!
Well, apparently friends at the local YouTube have offered a solution and have the entire, full version, movie available online. So, hopefully, there will be thousands that will enjoy this movie the way it's creator Jim Hensen intended.
The Christmas Toy, a Jim Hensen movie, used to be hosted at the beginning of the movie by none other than a festive Kermit-Santa and ended up with a sing a long with the jolly green fella himself. However, in the new DVD release, Kermit has been given the shaft! There is no Kermit action to speak of in this movie anymore, which I find tragic, since it no longer ties to the rest of the "muppet" family without that very important tie.
In some quick research, I was able to locate the problem. Kermit is now owned by Disney and you guessed it...the people putting this fabulous movie out on DVD didn't get rights from Disney for him, so he got the axe! I think it is tragic. I think there are just somethings in this world that are sacred and this is one of them. From my short research session at lunch, this movie was only shown perhaps once or twice on television (which would explain why everyone I ask if they have seen it has not), and would lead me to believe that those who are most likely going to purchase it are those die-hard fans like myself.
For the love of all things, why can't they just leave the movies that we know and love in their original state so that we can continue to love them year after year? Stupid rights....and even more stupid business deals...stupid corporate america and their trademarks! Urgh. It's like having Sesame Street without Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch. Common people!
Well, apparently friends at the local YouTube have offered a solution and have the entire, full version, movie available online. So, hopefully, there will be thousands that will enjoy this movie the way it's creator Jim Hensen intended.
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